It sometimes seems that bathing has become a lost art among the technically-minded. That’s a real shame, because there’s no reason you can’t program hidden Markov models and also smell like a bed of roses. Here’s some basic advice to get you smelling fresh again.
The First Rule of Bathing
The first rule, and really the only rule, for good personal hygiene is to bathe regularly. Why, oh why, does this still have to be said? It’s been in every style or hygiene guide ever written, but it still gets violated like a drunken prom date.
Do You Smell?
I know you don’t think you smell, but seriously, some people do smell, and one of them might be you. Don’t dismiss the idea immediately. Most people who smell don’t realize it.
Has anyone ever described you as greasy or smelly? Has anyone ever told you they could smell your feet even though you still had your shoes on? Do people walk by you and then cough, as if their lungs have suddenly been violated by something vile? If you can answer yes to any of those, you might have the condition known as FPS (funky personal smell). It is an easily treatable condition. You simply need to shower once a day, twice a day for serious cases.
Bad jokes aside, if you aren’t taking at least one shower per day, you smell. I know you can’t smell it. I know you think you can get away with showering only once every couple or three days. You are wrong. If you aren’t taking a shower ever single day, then others can smell you, and they don’t like it. Maybe your sense of smell just isn’t as good. Maybe you’ve just gotten used to the smell over time so that you no longer notice. I don’t know, and I don’t care. Just take a shower already.
If you’re still unsure whether you smell, just ask. Seriously. Ask people if you smell. Ask people you trust. Ask strangers in the bar. Whatever. Most people won’t volunteer to inform you that you smell, but most people will be honest if you ask them outright. Do not, however, ask other smelly people. They might not be able to tell. Ask people who look well-groomed. They can probably tell whether you smell or not. If anyone tells you that you smell “okay”, it means you smell bad. If they say you smell “fine”, get them to clarify, or get another opinion. Fine is too ambiguous. They might mean you smell a little, but you aren’t quite gag-inducingly smelly.
How To Shower
Simply standing in the water is not good enough. Neither is simply washing yourself with your hands. That’s called masturbation, and that’s a different thing altogether. A proper shower should, at minimum, involve the use of shampoo, soap, and some sort of scrubbing device. The following are all acceptable scrubbing devices:
- Wash cloths
- Loofahs
- “Body poofs”
- Shower sponges
- Scrub brushes
- Automotive “bug” sponges
- 3M Dish scouring pads
Select at least one based on your personal shower needs.
Use the shampoo on your hair and the soap (and scrubbing device) on your face and body. Wet your hair, apply shampoo, and massage into scalp and all hair for at least 30 seconds, building a good lather. Rinse well. If your hair is really greasy, or you just enjoyed the experience (good!), feel free to repeat.
Now, wet the rest of your body, along with your scrubbing implement. Apply soap to your body and/or your selected scrubbing device. Scrub your entire body. Scrub your arms, legs, stomach, face, shoulders, back, chest, etc., not necessarily in that order. You need to wash your feet with soap, too. Just standing in the water is not good enough. Remember, we could smell them through your shoes. Spend extra time on your underarms. They’re a common culprit in personal funk.
Potential Points of Controversy
You should definitely wash your naughty bits. Just remember not to spend too long there. That’s masturbation again, and that’s just not the kind of site I run. If you have problems wanting to dally in the area, I’d suggest switching to a harsher scrubbing device, and the problem will probably resolve itself.
Shampoo is not optional, either. I don’t care if you think your hair only needs to be washed only every couple of days, and I don’t care that you’ve read that advice in magazines. Your hair is greasy if you aren’t washing it daily. If your hair feels too dry after you wash it, it’s probably because you’ve gotten used to the greasy feel. If that’s not the case, then you can add hair conditioner to your shower routine. Select a conditioner for “normal” or “dry” hair unless the person who cuts your hair specifically says otherwise. (You do get regular haircuts, don’t you? Damned hippies.) After washing and rinsing your hair, apply the conditioner, massage in, and rinse again. Leave-in conditioners are for expert users. Stick with the traditional kind.
After-bath Care
After the bath, you can pretty much do what you want. You should not, however, put on clothes that are not clean. Just like your skin, your clothes need to be washed every single day they are worn, or they will smell.
You should also use a deodorant/antiperspirant. There’s a huge assortment of these available. Pick one. Use it. Smell better.
Be careful with cologne. It can easily be a problem of its own. Read Cologne Tips for the Smelly Masses if you want to explore that possibility.
Advanced Bathers
If you have any kind of skin condition, your now-daily shower is a good time to use a special soap. For example, you might use Cetaphil for your face, and Neutrogena body wash for the rest of your skin. If you’ve got dandruff or dry scalp, there’s a whole world of companies out there willing to take your money in exchange for their “clean black shirt or your money back” shampoos. Try one or two of them and see if they help. Use whatever products work for you. Just make sure you wash daily, following the guidelines set out above.
A Word About Baths vs. Showers
Now that you’re a regular bather, you might be thinking it’s time to try forgoing a shower in favor of a real bath, i.e., sitting in a tub of hot water. Resist the temptation. Real baths can be relaxing and enjoyable (or stimulating and enjoyable, if you’ve got company). However, a bath will not clean you as well as a shower. The stagnant bathwater simply cannot compete with the flowing shower water in terms of funk-removal. Besides, to properly scrub your body, you’ll have to stand up anyway, and then you might as well be taking a shower. If you really want to take a bath, I recommend taking it in addition to your daily shower, not instead of.
Share the Cleanliness
Now, go share your newfound shower joy. No, I’m not saying you should invite someone into the shower with you (though that’s also an option). I’m saying that you should share this advice with your friends.
Share this with your smelly friends, your smelly coworkers. Share it with your fresh-smelling friends and coworkers, too. Email them the link, or tell them verbally. Spread the good word. Beware, though, that if you’ve ignored the advice above, they’ll probably send the link right back to you.
We’ve all got some smelly friends or coworkers (or at least smelly acquaintances). With our help and support, they can work to fix their smelliness. They too can trade in their gym sock funk for rose petal freshness.
8 Comments on “Bathing Tips For the Smelly Masses”
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Cologne Tips for the Smelly Masses « Former Slacker Says:
February 14th, 2007 at 9:07 am[...] is a companion to Bathing Tips for the Smelly Masses. It was a little long to leave in the main article. Its lessons are nonetheless important if you [...]
February 14th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Sad but true. Some parents must have never taught their children about hygiene. It’s an endless cycle of abuse. The child never gets taught, and he or she never teaches his or her children.
End the cycle! Learn to bathe! Smelly people of the world un-funk! Suffering co-workers of the world, stand up and speak!
February 24th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Can you point me to any science which agrees with your assertion that those who don’t shower once a day smell?
I don’t agree. I know because one of my roommates goes for days without showering and I never smell him despite being around him plenty. Now, his girlfriend might have a different story, but in general, unless you’re having sex with someone, you’re not going to smell them if they haven’t showered for a day.
February 24th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Undergroundman, it’s an accepted fact that even people who do shower once a day smell. People, like all animals, always have a smell. It’s just a question of how strong the smell is. It doesn’t take a giant leap to say that going without showering longer causes one to smell more.
Your roommate goes several days without showering? I’d bet good money others can smell him. Maybe your sense of smell is weak. Unless he never sweats and does a really good job of showering when he does shower, I have trouble believing that he doesn’t smell.
If you can’t smell him, maybe it doesn’t mean he doesn’t smell. It might just mean that you’ve gotten used to it (and seriously, it might possibly that you smell, too, hence being used to it).
There are reasons that the daily shower became commonplace. Smell is a major one.
February 25th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Of course they smell – people smell even after they’ve jumped out of the shower. The question is to what degree do they smell. And I disagree with your assertion that people generally smell strongly after a day of not showering. (By strongly I mean smellable within the distance of a few feet.)
The only way to resolve our conflicting anecdotal evidence is to appeal to science. Unfortunately, I don’t really want to look for controlled study on the topic. :p
February 25th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Virtually everyone I know who showers daily smells fine. On the other hand, I have known numerous people who did not shower daily, and who were also greasy and smelly.
Yes, there are some people who can probably get away with showering less frequently. I feel they are a definite minority. I also believe that the people who shower less frequently probably do a poorer job of showering during a given shower, further necessitating the daily shower.
This article is about how to not smell horrible through the magic of daily, high-quality, personal hygiene. Daily showers will probably make 99.9% of people smell decent. Showers every other day will make fewer people smell decent (whether it’s 20% or 95% is really irrelevant). I would rather advise people to shower daily than to advise, e.g., 3 times a week. I know that some people need to shower daily (I would say most people), and an extra shower isn’t going to hurt the few that don’t.
March 15th, 2007 at 11:24 am
I have add that it’s not just showering. I know some people who shower daily but still smell because their clothes smell. Their clothes smell because they will wear the same shirt like 10 times before washing it.
January 6th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I think you’ll have a tough time having a hair stylist backing your daily shampoo claim.
Also if you’re taking daily showers you need to make sure you’re not taking hot showers as they dry out your skin.
A lot of the smell factor depends on the individual circumstances, where they live, the time of year, what they eat (people who eat healthier smell less), whether they exercise, and simple body chemistry.
I think it is safer to take daily showers (as long as you’re not wasting too much water), although not necessary for everyone–you certainly cannot categorically claim that everyone smells bad 24hours without showering– if this is the case for you i would look to your diet and exercise.
Hygienically speaking, science would agree that daily showers do not fall into the same category as twice-daily brushing.
In fact a couple of things hygienically speaking are more important than daily showers.
Washing yourself in a bidet or with water after using the restroom– using dry toilet paper by itself is disgusting. Imagine if you got feces on your hand, would wiping it off with dry toilet paper suffice?
Brushing and flossing at the very least once daily. Not flossing is disgusting. If there is any visible tartar between, or god-forbid ON your teeth then you are not flossing properly or enough. Also remember to use a tongue scraper.
Washing your hands before meals, and after using the restroom– especially under the nails (which should be trimmed)
I’m glad you talking about using scrubbers in the shower, because without them you really cannot have an effective shower.
I think what underground man was trying to say is that of course people smell of something, and smell different as time passes after a shower, but it is not neccessary that that smell is offensive. I think you have laid out a good litmus test of offensive odour- the peer review, and i think if you’re passing that on the first day after showering, then you’re fine.
Don’t get me wrong, I think showering regularly is very important, but daily showering doesn’t take precedence over true hygiene issues such as the ones i have laid out.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I want to also add DRYING is also very important!!!!! What is the sense of showering very well & then not drying properly?! You need to get in all the crevices b/c after a while, they will smell as if you didn’t shower at all!