Former Slacker

This is a companion to Bathing Tips for the Smelly Masses. It was a little long to leave in the main article. Its lessons are nonetheless important if you are thinking about going down the dangerous path of colognes and perfumes.

Once you’ve effectively rid yourself of the bulk of your natural fragrances, you might be interested in trying a cologne or some kind of other artificial fragrance. Colognes and such can be acceptable (even good) in small amounts. You must use a high-quality cologne, though. Axe and such need not apply.

How to Pick a Quality Cologne

Picking a good cologne is as simple as eliminating all the bad ones. There are two major techniques to eliminate bad colognes. The first is to check the price. Cheap colognes are universally bad. I don’t care if it says it’s supposed to smell like Hugo Boss. It doesn’t. And don’t try to convince yourself that you can tell. Price has a way of swaying our decisions. Besides, you couldn’t even tell that you smelled bad in the first place. Buy an expensive cologne from a department store.

The second way to eliminate bad colognes is to ask. If you’re not sure about a cologne, put some on and ask people what they think. You can even use the tester in the store to “try before you buy.” If it smells good, people will tell you so. If not, they’ll tell you that it’s “okay.” That means no.

Do not ask the lady working the cologne counter whether a cologne smells good, though. She’ll tell you it smells good no matter what. She’s working on commission. Besides, inhaling all that airborne cologne killed her sense of smell years ago.

Light Cologne Use is Best

How much cologne should you use? One squirt of a high-quality cologne is almost always okay. Two squirts might be okay. More than two squirts might very well cause you to pick up a different type of funk. Too much of a good thing, in this case, is definitely a bad thing.

Always err on the side of less. If your cologne is particularly strong, and you don’t know if you might be using too much, just ask people again. If people can smell you before you enter the room, they’ll probably tell you so, as long as you ask first.

Rules and Regulations

You should never, ever, ever, use cologne as a cover-up for body odor. The only thing worse than terrible body odor is terrible body odor mixed with cologne. Until you’ve fully resolved any smell issues you have, you may not use any kind of cologne.

I have one more tip about cologne. Don’t mix fragrances. Never put on two different types of cologne, and never put on an aftershave that has a different scent than the cologne. Trust me, they do not mix well.

Good Luck and Good Smell

With these tips, you’re prepared to enter the world of cologne. Remember, though, less is more. And if you’re not sure, just ask.