The Yardstick

We cannot measure our success without knowing what success will look like. Our goals should be the yardsticks for our lives. If we are meeting our goals, then we are successful. If we are not, then we need to adjust either our goals or our efforts. Do you know what your goals are?

You might want a million dollars, but that’s not good enough. That’s not a goal. It’s a dream. You can’t act on a dream. Do you want to save a million dollars for retirement? If so, then maybe your goal should be to “invest $250 in a mutual fund every month for the next 40 years.” That’s a goal you can act on. You are much more likely to invest $250 than you are to just “save a million dollars.”

Let’s look at another common example. If you want to get in shape, then “eating better” and “going to the gym regularly” should not be your goals. Even “lose ten pounds” shouldn’t be your goal. Those are all just too intangible to reliably act upon. Your goals should be to “eat no more than 1500 calories per day,” and to “go the gym from 6:00 to 7:00 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.” Anything less than that isn’t a real goal. It’s just a dream.

Toward a Goal

Once you’ve made your goals into something tangible, something measurable, you can monitor your progress. Did you save $250 last month? If not, you need to adjust your budget and compensate. Did you go to the gym last Tuesday? No? Then you need to make the time.

By setting a measurable goal, you can constantly evaluate whether you’re going to reach that goal. If your dream is to spend more time with your kids, you can’t really track that. How much is enough more? If you want to spend 2 hours every weeknight helping your children with their homework and then going for a walk as a family, that’s something you can track. You can try to track your success in your head, or you can actually keep a personal log. Either way, the first step is to make the goal measurable.

I want to finish all of my degree, except for my dissertation, by the end of next spring. That’s not very tangible, though. So instead, my goals are to take my comprehensive exams and finish 12 hours of class this fall, and to take 6 hours of class and propose my dissertation in the spring. These are by no means easy goals (I have a full-time, off-campus job), but they are measurable goals. I know exactly what I need to do, and I know exactly when I need to do it. I can and do track how my school goals are progressing.

Once your goals are measurable, you can make progress. Until then, you’re just frustrating yourself with dreams that won’t come true.

Big Goals

Sometimes a goal might just be too big to really be tangible. If that’s the case, you need to break it into smaller goals. For example, starting your own company is a huge goal. It’s definitely possible, because others have done it. But “start a company” just doesn’t seam tangible, or very measurable, for that matter. You’ve got to somehow break it up into achievable pieces.

If you want to start a software company, you should probably have a goal of spending several hours a day putting together a prototype product. After that, maybe you need to find a partner or an investor. So you should have a goal of spending some amount of time finding a partner. Or a goal of hitting up everyone you know with more than $5 for investment money. At every step of the way, there should be tangible goals. Even if they aren’t all obvious from the beginning, you should be nailing them down as you go along.

Meeting goals can be hard. It can be very hard work. But the first step is to really know what the goals are. Setting goals is not an extremely difficult thing to do. It takes some time, a little personal honesty, and probably a pen and paper. Whatever time and effort you put into setting your goals will pay itself back many times over, when you actually meet your goals. Once you’ve actually set real goals, you’ll know what you want, you’ll know what you need to do to get it, and you’ll know how to track your progress.

People waste their entire lives dreaming and never doing. All the hoping in the world won’t turn a single dream into reality. But hard work can turn goals into reality. Don’t sell yourself short.

1. Identify your desires.

   Take the time to sit down and decide what it is that you want. Your desire can be short term, as in a beach trip this summer, or long term, as in a millionaire retirement.

   Do you desire Money? A successful relationship? More community involvement? A big screen television? Decide what the things you desire are. If you are unable to identify the things you want desires, you will not acquire them. Identify your desires so that you can obtain them.

2. Visualize what you desire.

   No, I haven’t accepted a sponsorship deal with the producers of The Secret. Visualization isn’t a fix-all, but it is a useful tool. It is, first and foremost, a motivational tool.

   Really think about what you want. Clear any mental distractions away and develop an accurate, clear image of what you desire. Develop this image as fully as possible, because it’s going to guide you.

   Now, hold onto that image. If, and when, you run into frustrations, problems, and barriers, you can call back your visualization. You can recall your image to remind yourself what you are working for. Use your visualization as a source of motivation. Build an image that will motivate you.

3. Set goals and record them.

   You decided what you want in step one, and you established a clear mental image in step two. Now is the time to develop accurate written goals. Find a way to put your desire into words. If you cannot put your vision and your desires into written form, they are not well-formed. Revisit steps one and two.

   Writing down your goals forces you to be more exact about what it is you want, and the record of your goals can provide motivation later. Just as you can return to your mental image when the path becomes hard, you can re-read your goals when you need additional inspiration or personal clarification. Write down your goals to clarify them and provide motivation.

4. Break your goals into achievable pieces.

   This is the single hardest part of goal-setting. It’s easy enough to say you want to retire a millionaire. It’s much more difficult to really set down the steps to reach that goal. The individual pieces should be achievable goals in their own rights.

   If your goal requires saving money, then you need to build a budget, and pursue a higher-income job if necessary. If your goal is to improve your health, set yourself a realistic diet and exercise regimen. If your relationship needs mending, decide what’s wrong with your relationship and set aside the resources and time needed to mend the broken parts. If you are unsure what your goal requires, your goal may need to be specified more exactly.

   If any piece of your goal seems too large, break it down further. Treat each piece as a new goal if necessary, going through these eight steps with the smaller goal. Turn your goals into small steps.

5. Eliminate distractions.

   Eliminate the annoyances that hinder your chances of reaching your goals. If your goal is to lose weight, and you’ve got snacks around the house, throw them away. They are a distraction from your goal. You don’t need them around making your goal more difficult. Make throwing away the snacks your first action.

   If you are trying to reduce your debt, and you have a friend who always wants to eat out at the most expensive restaurants, you need to resolve this. It is a serious obstacle to achieving your goal. You don’t have to eliminate the friend, but you need to eliminate the problem. Tell him that you can’t afford to be eating out so expensively. If he’s really a friend, he’ll understand, and you’ll have a distraction eliminated, either way.

   It’s not always easy to remove distractions. It’s not even always possible. In the cases where it is possible, do it. Do what it takes to eliminate as many distractions as you can. The road to a goal is hard enough without unnecessary blockades. Remove the things which distract you from your goals.

6. Push through problems.

   There will always be problems when trying you reach your goals. Some problems will be big, while others will be bigger. You need to push your way through these problems. You built a strong visualization for a reason. There was a purpose to writing down your goals. When you run into an obstacle that’s more than just a distraction, call up your visualization, re-read your written goals. Use these as fuel to push yourself over, around, or through the obstacle. Problems will arise, but you can overcome them. Remember, your goal is on the other side of that obstacle.

   If you are looking for your dream job, and you’ve already gotten ten rejections, pull your visualization up, and ask yourself, “Is this setback big enough to stop me from reaching my goal, big enough to stop me from getting the job I want, that I deserve?” If you want it, really want it, the answer will be, “Absolutely not.”

   Hold onto the image of what you want, and keep plugging away, striving toward your goal, until you reach it. Remind yourself that even though it’s hard work, it’s going to pay off in spades when you achieve your goal. Push through the obstacles to reach your goal.

7. Work hard toward your goals.

   You don’t just need to work hard. You need to work your ass off. This is the most important step in achieving your goals, and it’s also the most difficult. You can have all the best intentions in the world, but if you don’t put in the work, you will never meet your goals. The likelihood of achieving your goal is directly related to the about of work you put in.

   Find the time and resources to achieve your goals. Push yourself to reach your goals, one step at a time. You are responsible for putting the effort in to achieve your goals. No one else will, or can, put the time in for you.

   If you want to get in shape, you have to diet. You have to keep your dates with the treadmill. No one else can get you into shape. If you want to get out of debt, you have to build a budget, and you have to stick with it. It’s you who has to give up the non-vital expenses, and it’s you who has to live within your means. You have to put in the time, and you have to put in the effort.

   Recall your goals and your visualization. Re-read your written goals. Remember what you are working for when the road seems too long. When you slack off, your goals will move further away, but when you really put the work in, you will see your goals coming closer and closer, until they are finally within your grasp. Work hard and eventually your goals will arrive.

8. Re-evaluate your goals.

   Periodically rethink your goals as you progress. It’s okay to change your goals. Sometimes we outgrow a goal. Other times our goal priorities change. If you find that your initial goals no longer meet your current desires, adjust your goals accordingly. Rethink your vision, rewrite your goals, and adjust the steps as necessary. It’s not important that your goals stay constant, only that you are constantly working toward your goals.

   Likewise, if you find that the steps you are taking are not bringing you closer to your goals, or not bringing you closer as fast as you expected, you should reconsider the steps you chose. It may be that you simply need to be patient and continue to work hard, or it may be that the steps you chose are not optimal. Just as your goals need not be set in stone, the steps to your goals can be pliable. Adjust them where necessary to choose the correct path.

   Nothing is set in stone. You chose your goals, and you may likewise choose to change them. Re-evaluate as needed, and don’t be afraid to change your goals. Remember, your goals should fulfill your desires. If they no longer do that, they need to change. If your goals no longer reflect your desires, adjust your goals.

None of these tips are earth-shattering or new. They are instead quite practical and time-tested. They may not always be easy, but they work. Apply them in your life, and with time and hard work, you can bring your goals within reach.

If you view the law of attraction as nothing more than a motivational tool, then this post isn’t for you. It is a good motivational tool, and I don’t dispute that. This post is for the people who think the law of attraction has some kind of special power, and invoke silly arguments to try to defend it.

1. Belief in the Paranormal/Supernatural.

   Believing that the law of attraction is more than just a motivational tool, that it actually has some power to control the universe, requires a belief in the supernatural. To believe that wanting, or wishing for, or concentrating on a goal will cause an increase in the chances of that goal occurring requires a belief in the supernatural. To believe that thought alone has the ability to change events requires a belief in psychic powers.

   That’s exactly what psychic powers are: controlling events with thoughts. If you can actually control events with your mind, then the law of attraction will make you money, because James Randi will give you a million dollars.

2. Anecdotal Evidence.

   The fact that some people who have made lots of money claim to use the law of attraction doesn’t mean that the law of attraction has any effect. Can you say placebo effect?

   Some people claim that keeping a rabbits foot brings them good luck. Some people think that breaking a mirror will bring bad luck. Nonsense. There’s no scientific evidence that good luck charms have anything more than a placebo effect. Likewise, there’s no evidence that the law of attraction is anything but a placebo.

   There are plenty of people who are wealthy who don’t claim that the law of attraction made them their money. There are also lots of people who are not wealthy who blindly cling to the law of attraction in a desperate attempt to change things.

   In the words of Steve Pavlina, “I often hear people complain that they’ve dutifully and correctly applied the Law of Attraction, but their intentions just aren’t manifesting.” Of course, it’s because they aren’t putting enough energy into it. Just like faith healers tell people it’s a lack of belief that stops them from walking.

3. Unreliable Sources.

   It seems that many of the people who claim to have made fortunes using the law of attractions are the very same people selling books and movies about the law of attraction. It seems to be a conflict of interest when the people telling you the law of attraction works are the same people selling the law of attraction.

   The drug companies always think you need their latest pill, and every car maker will tell you that their models are the best in the business. They are, of course, biased. Without independent validation, these kinds of claims should be treated with serious skepticism. (Even with independent validation, a healthy dose of skepticism is always a good idea.)

4. Blaming Victims.

   Picture this: You’re driving along the road late at night, listening to the radio. You’re on your way home from dinner at a friend’s house. Your favorite song is on the radio, and you’ve got a smile on you face. Every so often, a car passes you heading the other direction. Suddenly some drunk asshole swerves over into your lane, plowing into your car head-on.

   Now tell me, who do you blame for that accident? Is it your fault? Did you attract that accident? The Secret specifically says that people do attract the car accidents they are in.

   I have nothing else to say about this.

5. Quantum Physics.

   The Secret makes mention of quantum physics, as did a commenter on the last post. Let’s be clear about this: quantum physics doesn’t affirm the law of attraction or any other claims about the supernatural.

   Yes, quantum physics states that the act of observation can affect quantum particles. That does not mean that observation can control quantum particles. They still behave in a nondeterministic manner. i.e. They act randomly. Their behavior follows statistical rules, just like coin tosses.

   If you can demonstrate that your thoughts can control the outcome of quantum-level events, I’m pretty sure you would win a Nobel prize. It would be, by far, the biggest discovery in quantum mechanics.

6. The Cast.

   Much of the cast was made of up people who’ve made their fortunes selling this “secret,” and few of them have any credentials that were impressive to anyone willing to do any critical thinking. Among the cast, we’ve got some philosophers, a feng shui consultant, a metaphysicist, and a visionary. Yes, a visionary.

   Philosophers – Philosophy is a degree in sitting around, thinking deep thoughts. That’s fine, but it doesn’t qualify you to make outrageous claims about “the most powerful law in the universe.” I used to think logic was part of philosophy, but I guess not.

   Feng shui consultant – What is it about charging obscene fees for arranging furniture that qualifies this person to give advice about wealth? The formula for wealth she used was:

   1. Make up claims of understanding old, hokey Chinese belief about Qi.
   2. Charge lots of money to move furniture around.

   Metaphysicist – This is just another way of saying philosopher. Strangely enough, the philosophers and the metaphysicist seem to have written lots of books about wealth, and not so many about the nature of life, intelligence, the universe, or anything else that traditionally falls into the realm of philosophy.

   Visionary – Seriously, his job title was listed as “Visionary.” This doesn’t even mean anything. It’s a self-appointed title that’s as meaningless as “guru,” and somehow even more self-indulgent.

If you want to buy into The Secret and the law of attraction, that’s your right. If you want to avoid critical thinking and hold onto ridiculous claims, you can. But the law of attraction is bunk, and you’re wasting your time and money.

This “secret” has been kept from you your entire life. World leaders have suppressed it since the dawn of civilization. They have used it, even abused it, while the ignorant masses grind their way through their lives. And if you spend $29.95 on the DVD, the secret will change your life.

So, what’s the secret that’s been suppressed for ages and ages? The Law of Attraction, the idea that you will draw toward you the things that you think about most. Basically, if you concentrate on positives, you’ll attract good fortune, while if you concentrate on your Visa bill, your Mastercard bill will show up, too.

Never mind that The Secret claims it’s been known, used, and taught by everyone from Plato to Einstein. Never mind that it’s been in every new age self-improvement book ever written. And never mind that some of the people in the video have been hawking it to gullible schlubs since well before I was born. It’s a secret, and you need to watch this movie to find out about it.

The Problem with The Secret and the Law of Attraction

I’m all for giving people good advice. Unfortunately, The Secret isn’t giving good advice. The law of attraction isn’t really advice at all. It’s a get-rich-quick scheme, a 30-pounds-in-30-days diet. The law of attraction sells the idea that good thoughts, instead of hard work, will bring good things.

Easy sells. It’s sexy. Losing thirty pounds without dieting sounds great. Earning six figures part time sounds great. The idea that just thinking good thoughts could change your life sounds absolutely wonderful. Hard work doesn’t sound so great. In fact, it sounds kind of hard. However, hard work has the best chance of yielding the best results. Selling easy paths that don’t work distracts people from the real path that could actually help them.

Telling people that cutting out trans-fats will cause them to lose weight distracts them from the fact that eating less will cause them to lose weight. Telling people that they can earn six figures by flipping houses distracts them from the fact that good investments and budgeting will build wealth. Publishing a video claiming that good thoughts are the catalyst for improving one’s life distracts people from the fact that hard work is the only reliable catalyst for improvement.

The Truth in the Law of Attraction

I’m willing to grant that there’s a little bit of truth to the law of attraction. If you concentrate on improving your life, while your neighbor concentrates on how much his life sucks, you probably stand a better chance of improving than your neighbor, if only because you’re more likely to see the opportunities and take the risks that can help you out.

There’s no magic, though, and no law. It’s about you trying to better yourself. Big surprise. Trying to do something increases the chances of succeeding at doing something.

I’m sure that The Secret’s cast would use this to defend themselves, saying that it’s good thoughts and hard work that really accomplish improvements. Sleezy infomercials pitching ab exercisers do the same thing when they briefly mention “proper diet” when claiming weight loss. Real estate scams print “results not typical” in tiny letters when discussing all the millionare success stories. A scam is a scam, even if you aren’t technically lying. Ab infomercials aren’t selling proper diet, real estate flipping programs aren’t selling personal bankruptcy, and The Secret isn’t selling hard work.

The Lies in the Law of Attraction

Since concentrating on negative issues is a surefire way to attract more of them, according to The Secret, your best bet to get out of debt is to simply not worry about it. Imagine having more money, and keep spending the way you’ve been spending. Somehow by imagining you’ve got money, you eventually will. Budgets are for chumps! That money you want will show up eventually. Either that or the debt collectors. But don’t think about that. That would attract problems.

If the law of attraction really worked the way The Secret says it does, then your best bet for improving your financial fortune would be to buy lottery tickets and think really, really hard about winning. Let me know how that works out for you.

The Insanity of The Secret

The Secret says that the people who have debt, heath problems, etc. are attracting their problems. Likewise, people with wealth are attracting prosperity. As evidence for this, The Secret cites the fact that people with debt and health problems talk more about these things than people without them, while prosperous people talk more about their wealth. This clearly shows that thinking (and talking) about debt attracts more debt, while thinking about wealth attracts more wealth.

First off, most of the wealthy people I know don’t talk about their wealth much. Second, isn’t it possible that people get problems and then talk about them? Doesn’t that seem to fit Occam’s Razor pretty well? I don’t talk about my lung cancer very much, but if I actually had lung cancer, I might.

Joe Vitale, a “metaphysicist” who appears in The Secret, tells us that people who get into car accidents do so because they were thinking about them too much, that they attracted car accidents. In my experience, the people who get into the most car accidents are not thinking about the possibility of accidents, or anything else to do with driving.

What about the people who get struck by lightning? Are they the ones thinking about it the most? When I think about getting hit by lighting, I get off the damned golf course.

A Case Study

The Secret tells the story of a gay man who had a terrible job with coworkers who treated him like crap, who was constantly physically assaulted by gay-haters, and who was heckled by homophobes when he did stand-up. By concentrating on his problems, he was causing them to magnify. When he learned about the law of attraction, he changed what he was concentrating on. By just concentrating on the good life he wanted, the mean coworkers quit their jobs, the gay-haters stopped assaulting him, and suddenly he was a riot on-stage and the hecklers were gone.

Are we seriously supposed to believe that good thoughts made others quit their jobs? That good thoughts stopped constant physical attacks and turned audiences full of homophobic hecklers into gay-embracing, supportive audiences delivering standing ovations? Are you kidding me?

Burglary victoms, don’t invest in better locks and an alarm system. That’s just concentrating on the problem. What you should do is concentrate on what you want. You know, a house that hasn’t been broken into, and a stereo that hasn’t been stolen.

Rape victoms, it’s your fault. If you were thinking good thoughts, those rapists wouldn’t have attacked you and violated you in ways you never thought possible. Now, go clean up and think about something positive, because if you keep thinking about the rape, it’s going to happen again. Mr.Vitale says so.

Why Even Care About The Secret?

Why do I have such a problem with the secret? Because it’s taking advantage of gullible people. It’s a slick sales pitch targeting the unfortunate. Sadly, people like Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres are helping them, instead of promoting people who actually have useful advice.

Promoting a false hope, a lie, about what it takes to improve ones life simply exacerbates the problem. Every person who spends more time hoping for extra money spends less time actually budgeting. Encouraging people to hope and think about change, rather than working for change, digs them deeper into the holes they are in.

It’s the right of every slimy guru to sell artificial hopes and dreams to fools, just as it’s the right of gullible people to buy that snake oil. That doesn’t mean we should say its acceptable.

A Solution that Doesn’t Rely on Hope

The truth is that improving your situation is usually possible, but it’s usually not easy. If you want to get out of debt, you need to build a budget and plan. Thinking about more money isn’t going to help. Actually getting a second job to earn more money will help. Hard work will always triumph over good wishes.

You don’t have to work hard if you don’t want to. You can take the false hopes. You can think really hard about improving your situation, instead of actually trying, and working, to improve your situation. But while you’re feeling upbeat about how eventually all your “hard thoughts” are going to pay off, your neighbor is actually getting a second job. In a few years, he’ll have whittled his debt down, while you’ve continued to rack up more credit card bills. In the meantime, the makers of The Secret will have made a pretty penny off your indulgence and gullibility.

My “Scientific” Experiment

In the name of fairness, I’m going to try the law of attraction for myself. If it works, I’ll rewrite this post to say that the law of attraction is scientific fact, and I’ll buy copies of The Secret for all my friends and family. I’m going to think about something I really want, and I’ll really hope it materializes. I’m going to hope like I’ve never hoped before.

However, if my thoughts can really control reality, then everyone involved with The Secret, you’d better stay off the streets, because what I’m thinking about, what I’m really, really hoping for, is that each of you gets crushed by a runaway garbage truck.

(See also: The Top 6 Reasons Why the Law of Attraction (and “The Secret”) is Bunk)

Best Comment

Sosuke Says:
February 20th, 2007 at 3:43 pm

“The Secret”, when combined with hard work and good exercise will make all your dreams come true!

*Hard work not typical of those who purchase “The Secret”

Doing What You Love

If you love cleaning, you’re going to have a spotless house. If you don’t love it, the best you’ll ever get is clean, never spotless. You won’t excel unless you truly love it. I know what you’re thinking. Suzie from work has a spotless house, and she says she hates to clean. Well, Suzie’s holding a secret from you. Either she actually has a maid, or she doesn’t hate to clean. She might say she does, but what she really means is, “I don’t enjoy cleaning very much, but I absolutely love having a clean house.” If Suzie loves having a clean house enough, then she will put forth the effort to get it done. It’s not hate for cleaning that has her scrubbing stains off the bathroom grout. It’s love.

You might think that nearly everyone loves to have a clean house, but that’s not true. Most people like having a clean house. If they loved it, they’s put forth the same effort that Suzie does. Liking a clean house will get you an occasional straightening-up, and a monthly mopping.

A careful reader might note here that Suzie still doesn’t like cleaning. She just likes, or rather loves, having her house clean. That brings us to an important corollary to the first rule of productivity.

No One Loves Doing Anything

With the exception of a few primal activities and urges, this rule is very nearly universal. You might not believe this, but just bear with me.

No one loves activities. They love results.

Linux fans don’t love using Linux. They love it when they get something to work. They love the feeling of accomplishment. Likewise, programmers don’t love to code. They love the final product. Programming can be extremely tedious at times, like most jobs, but the outcome is worth it if you love the outcome enough. If you know someone who claims to love programming for its own sake, ask him how much he loves it after a full day of unsuccessful debugging. You’ll get a very different answer. You might also witness a psychotic break first hand.

Similarly, great managers don’t love the day to day activities of managing. Instead, they love the payoff, a well-oiled machine. Some love the money or power, but those aren’t great (read: productive) managers.

Competition embodies the love of results. Love of activities doesn’t spur on sports. It’s the love of winning, of accomplishing something grand. It’s not a love of golf that makes Tiger Woods one of the best. Even casual golfers are trying for results. They are trying to improve their games. If it was really about just taking a leisurely afternoon, they wouldn’t get upset when they come in way over par, nor would they be elated when they shave two strokes off their best.

It is possible to be productive at something you simply don’t care about if you love the money enough, but it’s hard. You have to really love money. You have to love money just as much as the truly productive guys love the results. It’s generally much easier to just find something else you love, and find a way to make money at that.

So, what’s the lesson we can take from this corollary? Basically, the lesson is that effectively, Suzie does love to clean. Since no one loves activities, and everyone loves results, it makes no sense to talk about hating an activity if you love the results. If you truly love the results, they you’ll perform the activity, and you’ll probably be good at it.

Use The Rule

Rather than fighting with this, use it to your advantage. If you want to really be great at something, to truly be productive, your best bet is to ether: find something else to do (something that you do love), or find a way to love what you already do. The second option can be a pretty difficult task. I’d recommend the first when possible. Finding something you love isn’t always easy, but it’s certainly rewarding.

For those things you need to do, but just don’t love, you can either accept that you won’t do your best, or you can try to learn to love it. Find the little things about it that make you happy. Do you have to fill out paperwork constantly? Don’t think about how tedious that tenth report is. Instead, remind yourself that doing the work in a high-quality and timely fashion reflects well on you. Think about how good it will feel to be done with all the paperwork for today. Try to find the positives, and focus on those. Or try to effect a change, if you’ve got an idea for how to fix the problem. It’s about focusing on the positive.

Do you need to get in shape, but don’t enjoy exercise and dieting? Don’t concentrate on how hungry you are, how tasty that pie would be, or how boring you find running on the treadmill to be. Think about how good it will be to look at the scale and see another pound gone. Think about how loose your pants have gotten a month into your diet. Find things you love about what you’re doing. If you overlook the positive in favor of the negative, you’re more than likely going to find yourself buying larger pants next month, not smaller.

Successful dieters don’t hate to diet, in spite of what they might say. They love it. That’s what separates successful dieters from the unsuccessful ones. The unsuccessful ones don’t love the results enough to pass up the raspberry-drizzled chocolate torte. The successful ones would rather shave another half pound off their weight than have dessert. If you want to be one of the successful ones, then learn to love it.

If you want to be successful, if you want to be productive, do what you love. Either find something new that you can love, or learn to love what you’re already doing.

About a year ago, I bought a brand new stainless steel grill. I absolutely love it. It makes wonderful burgers, grills chicken like a champ, and cooks steaks good enough to may Bobby Flay jealous. Well, it does all those things when I don’t mess up.

A couple of weeks after buying the grill, I opened the refrigerator to find a plastic tub full of raw, marinating chicken. My roommate at the time had bought this chicken, and was clearly planning on grilling it. I gave it a sniff, and thought it smelled a bit off. Whether it was really the chicken, or just the marinade, I couldn’t say. But I knew I had to let him know. How would I feel if I let him eat bad chicken? What if he got salmonella? Or e. coli? Or a cold sore? I could have prevented that!

So, out of only the most genuine concern for my roommate’s health and safety, I asked him how long the chicken had been marinading. “A few days.” I told him that I didn’t think it would really be safe to eat chicken that had been sitting uncooked for that long, even in the refrigerator. He blew me off, but then checked online, where other people also told him that three days is a bit too long. (Everyone knows that random Internet sites are trustworthy sources of information.) He ended up throwing the chicken out and eating something else.

This isn’t the story of how I saved him from certain salmonella, though. I don’t honestly know whether or not the chicken was safe to eat. As long as he cooked it thoroughly, it probably would have been fine. Upon later reflection, I realized that my concern for his health was not the primary reason I asked about the chicken, not by a long shot. The real reason was that I knew he was planning on using my grill. How dare he?! If he’d asked, I wouldn’t have minded, at least not much. He was going to use without asking, though, the bastard.

My roommate using my grill, even without permission, would not have been the end of the world. But I let my emotions get the better of me, and I did so without even realizing. Rather than recognizing that I felt insulted by him neglecting to ask for permission, and acting properly, I turned to a passive-aggressive technique to get him to not use my grill. The appropriate thing to do would have been to let him use my grill, but to tell him that in the future, he should ask before planning to use it. By not recognizing my own emotions and how they were affecting me, I let myself act in a way I normally wouldn’t. By neglecting to step back and evaluate the situation, I allowed myself to ignore the real issue.

Acting the way I did didn’t cause any massive problems. I don’t know if my roommate ever even realized the real reason I asked him about the chicken. It’s not the end of the world if he did. It could have caused problems, though, if he’d seen through it and he’d gotten upset. Two passive-aggressive people do not a happy home make. Acting the way I did is fairly transparent. Behaving that way repeatedly will eventually be noticed, and it can’t possibly breed anything but bad feelings.

What would have happened if it had been a boss that had slighted me? Would I have started neglecting my duties at work? Would I have become passive-aggressive there? That could have been a problem.

Inevitably, everyone we know is going to hurt our feelings at some point. If we don’t step back, and realize what the problem is, we greatly increase the chances of the situation escalating, perhaps immediately, perhaps over the long term. How many friends have you drifted apart from because some minor, possibly even unintentional insult turned into a big deal? (Hint: If you have bad feelings toward someone you drifted apart from, and can’t fully explain the feeling, that might be what happened.)

How many couples split because tiny issues built until they were driven apart? Sally feels that John just doesn’t care anymore, and John thinks that Sally’s turned into a nag. Likely, neither of them has really changed much. Instead, they’ve let the little things build up. They’ve let the feelings of resentment build. John has been shirking his part of the household work and he doesn’t take Sally out much anymore. Sally has been acting distant because John hasn’t been doing his housework, and she doesn’t realize her tactics are not helping the situation. Neither of them are showing much affection. Both Sally and John need to step back and realize that there’s no critical problem. They’ve simply let tiny things build until they’ve convince themselves that the problems are huge.

However, if we take the time and put forth the effort to just step back and really figure out why we are acting the way we are, we can often fix the underlying problem. We don’t have to compound minor issues. Sometimes we need to work through the problem with the others involved. Sometimes we just need to understand why we’re upset, or why we’re acting the way we are, and just stop. Once we understand the problem, it can more often than not be easily solved. We just have to try. We have to pay attention, look past the superficial issue, to find out what’s really underneath.