Here’s a few basic dieting and exercise truths that anyone who wants to lose weight should know. Some of them go counter to traditional wisdom or current dieting hype, but the facts support them. Read them all, and then reconsider how you want to diet next time (after your current diet fails).
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Dieting Sucks.
This is a big one that no one really wants to admit. Everyone wants to hear that there’s an easy way to lose weight, which works out great for everyone who’s selling the latest “lose 30 pounds in 15 minutes” fad diet. There’s an entire industry built to sell the idea that there are easy ways to lose weight. Losing weight is hard, though. It’s hard work.
You will feel deprived, because you are, by definition, depriving yourself when you are on a diet. You are denying yourself that 400 Calorie muffin. You’re skipping the extra helping of mashed potatoes. You are depriving yourself of food, either in quantity or variety, and it’s hard to do that, especially at first. Don’t expect it to be easy. You have to decide if dieting is worth it to you, and if so, commit to working through the difficulty, rather than looking for a nonexistent easy route.
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You will be hungry.
This is the primary reason that dieting sucks. I know, you read all about some new diet in Redbook that promises to allow you to lose weight without being hungry. News flash. You will not lose weight if you aren’t hungry. I know, it goes counter to everything the diet books have told you, but then, those diet books didn’t work, either.
In order to lose weight, you will have to eat less. That’s the basic rule of dieting. You must consume fewer calories than you use. Guess what happens when you eat less than you burn: You get hungry. It’s basic physiology. Don’t try to fight it. Accept it, and prepare for it. The best any particular diet can hope to do is minimize hunger, not eliminate it.
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Exercise is an inefficient way to lose weight.
Don’t try to tell yourself otherwise. Certainly, exercise is a wonderful thing to add to your health regimen, but it’s not going to do much as far as weight loss. When you see that snickers bar in the vending machine, don’t give in. I know, you think you can just run a little further and make up the calories. However, you would have to run an extra 2.5 miles, almost 30 minutes, to burn off the 280 Calories found in one Snickers bar (assuming a 150 pound person, running 5.5 mph).
If you want to have an occassional treat, your best bet isn’t to try to exercise it away, but to eat less for your meals. Instead of trying to run an extra 2.5 miles just so you can eat a Snickers, trim 100 Calories off each of your other meals for the day.
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Situps will not slim your belly.
It sometimes seems like this is common knowledge, but based on all the ab exercisers that still pop up on television commercials, it must not be. Targetted exercises will build muscle, but they will not burn fat in a targeted manner. Situps won’t slim your abdomen any better than bicep curls will slim your arms. Growing the muscle will actually cause an overall mass increase.
If you want to lose fat on your stomach, you have to lose weight all over. 100 crunches a day won’t help as much as cutting 300 Calories per day.
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“Diets” do not work.
Fad diets all rely on denying yourself something. Fat, carbohydrates, food diversity, etc. This leads to a feeling of deprivation, and the associated high failure rate. The latest diet you read about doesn’t have a high success rate, no matter what they claim. Most diets do work in the lab, where the participants are prepared for the harsh reality of the diet. In the real world, very few people are successful long term with dieting. Many people give up on their diets because they have the silly notion that it will be easier this time, with this new diet, and then it isn’t.
Diets further set people up for failure by making them give up so much. Low carb: no breads. Low fat: no bacon. Fad diet: give up everything except, e.g., grapefruit or soup. I know a guy who’s put himself on a tortilla diet. He’s going to eat nothing but tortillas. How long do you think that will last?
Denying yourself the ability to eat from massive portions of the food universe is just setting yourself up for frustration and defeat. Don’t give up fat, or carbohydrates, or anything else. Just eat less food overall. Yes, you’re still denying yourself calories, but that’s a deprivation you’re going to have to live with if you want to lose weight. You don’t have to live with lots of other artificial deprivations.
Most days for lunch, I eat a turkey wrap with bacon and cheese. It’s only 330 calories. I feel less deprived eating that 330 calories sandwich than I would eating a 600 calorie sandwich with just turkey, because I’m allowing myself cheese and bacon.
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Packaged foods are not your enemy.
Diet “gurus” have told us that to lose weight, we have stay away from packaged foods. We can’t eat frozen pizza and lasagna, for example. On the contrary, eating packaged foods makes it very easy to eat the correct number of calories. It’s printed right there on the package. There’s no estimating calorie content in that chicken breast, or wondering if a cup of chopped zucchini means big chops or little.
The brand of frozen pizza I generally buy has 1200 calories in one pizza. “Oh my God,” you’re screaming. “You’ll never lose weight eating that kind of stuff!” Well, I don’t eat the whole damned pizza. Just because what you bought has too many calories doesn’t mean you have to consume them all. I generally eat 3 slices of frozen pizza, and save the rest for later. 3 slices (out of 8 total) works out to only 450 calories, a pretty small meal.
Eating fresh foods, rather than packaged foods, might (or might not) be better for you, but that has little if anything to do with actual weight loss.
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You are not “genetically predisposed” to being fat.
Unless you have some funky mutation, you don’t have any genetic predisposition, so don’t try to blame it on that. Widespread obesity is a relatively recent phenomenon. Do you think you just suddenly developed the “fat” gene that your grandparents and great grandparents didn’t have? You just learned bad eating habits, and you’re more sedentary than your ancestors. Even if you were predisposed to wanting to eat more, you don’t have to eat more.
You also don’t have a “low metabolism.” Unless you’ve actually been tested to determine your basal metabolic rate, you have no reason to say that your metabolism is any lower than normal. It’s well established that people who are overweight actually have higher metabolisms. They have higher metabolisms because supporting that extra weight requires fuel. Nonetheless, metabolism differences do exist, and it’s possible that some people might have a slightly higher metabolism than you. All that means is their food expenses are higher. A lower metabolism doesn’t mean you gain weight easier. It means you simply need fewer calories. If you need fewer calories than Joe, then eat fewer calories than Joe. If you are overweight, it has nothing to do with your metabolism, and everything to do with you overeating.
If you eat fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight. Your “predispositions” are irrelevant. Your metabolism isn’t to blame. Every excuse you give yourself for why you are currently overweight is just an excuse to stay overweight.
If you’ve really decided to lose weight, bravo. I wish you good luck. Keep the previous info in mind, and prepare yourself for the journey. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. And a healthier body is definitely worth having.
Sometimes it seems that practical advice has died. Get-rich-quick schemes have become as common as they are ineffective, with everyone pitching the easy path. These eight steps provide a straightforward, realistic path to reaching your goals. These steps won’t provide any easy fixes, but if you want advice that actually works, read on.
- Identify your desires.
Take the time to sit down and decide what it is that you want. Your desire can be short term, as in a beach trip this summer, or long term, as in a millionaire retirement.
Do you desire Money? A successful relationship? More community involvement? A big screen television? Decide what the things you desire are. If you are unable to identify the things you want desires, you will not acquire them. Identify your desires so that you can obtain them.
- Visualize what you desire.
No, I haven’t accepted a sponsorship deal with the producers of The Secret. Visualization isn’t a fix-all, but it is a useful tool. It is, first and foremost, a motivational tool.
Really think about what you want. Clear any mental distractions away and develop an accurate, clear image of what you desire. Develop this image as fully as possible, because it’s going to guide you.
Now, hold onto that image. If, and when, you run into frustrations, problems, and barriers, you can call back your visualization. You can recall your image to remind yourself what you are working for. Use your visualization as a source of motivation. Build an image that will motivate you.
- Set goals and record them.
You decided what you want in step one, and you established a clear mental image in step two. Now is the time to develop accurate written goals. Find a way to put your desire into words. If you cannot put your vision and your desires into written form, they are not well-formed. Revisit steps one and two.
Writing down your goals forces you to be more exact about what it is you want, and the record of your goals can provide motivation later. Just as you can return to your mental image when the path becomes hard, you can re-read your goals when you need additional inspiration or personal clarification. Write down your goals to clarify them and provide motivation.
- Break your goals into achievable pieces.
This is the single hardest part of goal-setting. It’s easy enough to say you want to retire a millionaire. It’s much more difficult to really set down the steps to reach that goal. The individual pieces should be achievable goals in their own rights.
If your goal requires saving money, then you need to build a budget, and pursue a higher-income job if necessary. If your goal is to improve your health, set yourself a realistic diet and exercise regimen. If your relationship needs mending, decide what’s wrong with your relationship and set aside the resources and time needed to mend the broken parts. If you are unsure what your goal requires, your goal may need to be specified more exactly.
If any piece of your goal seems too large, break it down further. Treat each piece as a new goal if necessary, going through these eight steps with the smaller goal. Turn your goals into small steps.
- Eliminate distractions.
Eliminate the annoyances that hinder your chances of reaching your goals. If your goal is to lose weight, and you’ve got snacks around the house, throw them away. They are a distraction from your goal. You don’t need them around making your goal more difficult. Make throwing away the snacks your first action.
If you are trying to reduce your debt, and you have a friend who always wants to eat out at the most expensive restaurants, you need to resolve this. It is a serious obstacle to achieving your goal. You don’t have to eliminate the friend, but you need to eliminate the problem. Tell him that you can’t afford to be eating out so expensively. If he’s really a friend, he’ll understand, and you’ll have a distraction eliminated, either way.
It’s not always easy to remove distractions. It’s not even always possible. In the cases where it is possible, do it. Do what it takes to eliminate as many distractions as you can. The road to a goal is hard enough without unnecessary blockades. Remove the things which distract you from your goals.
- Push through problems.
There will always be problems when trying you reach your goals. Some problems will be big, while others will be bigger. You need to push your way through these problems. You built a strong visualization for a reason. There was a purpose to writing down your goals. When you run into an obstacle that’s more than just a distraction, call up your visualization, re-read your written goals. Use these as fuel to push yourself over, around, or through the obstacle. Problems will arise, but you can overcome them. Remember, your goal is on the other side of that obstacle.
If you are looking for your dream job, and you’ve already gotten ten rejections, pull your visualization up, and ask yourself, “Is this setback big enough to stop me from reaching my goal, big enough to stop me from getting the job I want, that I deserve?” If you want it, really want it, the answer will be, “Absolutely not.”
Hold onto the image of what you want, and keep plugging away, striving toward your goal, until you reach it. Remind yourself that even though it’s hard work, it’s going to pay off in spades when you achieve your goal. Push through the obstacles to reach your goal.
- Work hard toward your goals.
You don’t just need to work hard. You need to work your ass off. This is the most important step in achieving your goals, and it’s also the most difficult. You can have all the best intentions in the world, but if you don’t put in the work, you will never meet your goals. The likelihood of achieving your goal is directly related to the about of work you put in.
Find the time and resources to achieve your goals. Push yourself to reach your goals, one step at a time. You are responsible for putting the effort in to achieve your goals. No one else will, or can, put the time in for you.
If you want to get in shape, you have to diet. You have to keep your dates with the treadmill. No one else can get you into shape. If you want to get out of debt, you have to build a budget, and you have to stick with it. It’s you who has to give up the non-vital expenses, and it’s you who has to live within your means. You have to put in the time, and you have to put in the effort.
Recall your goals and your visualization. Re-read your written goals. Remember what you are working for when the road seems too long. When you slack off, your goals will move further away, but when you really put the work in, you will see your goals coming closer and closer, until they are finally within your grasp. Work hard and eventually your goals will arrive.
- Re-evaluate your goals.
Periodically rethink your goals as you progress. It’s okay to change your goals. Sometimes we outgrow a goal. Other times our goal priorities change. If you find that your initial goals no longer meet your current desires, adjust your goals accordingly. Rethink your vision, rewrite your goals, and adjust the steps as necessary. It’s not important that your goals stay constant, only that you are constantly working toward your goals.
Likewise, if you find that the steps you are taking are not bringing you closer to your goals, or not bringing you closer as fast as you expected, you should reconsider the steps you chose. It may be that you simply need to be patient and continue to work hard, or it may be that the steps you chose are not optimal. Just as your goals need not be set in stone, the steps to your goals can be pliable. Adjust them where necessary to choose the correct path.
Nothing is set in stone. You chose your goals, and you may likewise choose to change them. Re-evaluate as needed, and don’t be afraid to change your goals. Remember, your goals should fulfill your desires. If they no longer do that, they need to change. If your goals no longer reflect your desires, adjust your goals.
None of these tips are earth-shattering or new. They are instead quite practical and time-tested. They may not always be easy, but they work. Apply them in your life, and with time and hard work, you can bring your goals within reach.
The law of attraction and The Secret are bunk. I’ll say it again: The Secret is complete bunk. Based on the comments to my latest post, some people disagree, think I missed the point, or think I did a poor job articulating exactly why it shouldn’t be taken seriously. So, here’s a small list of reasons (out of many) that The Secret is retarded.
If you view the law of attraction as nothing more than a motivational tool, then this post isn’t for you. It is a good motivational tool, and I don’t dispute that. This post is for the people who think the law of attraction has some kind of special power, and invoke silly arguments to try to defend it.
- Belief in the Paranormal/Supernatural.
Believing that the law of attraction is more than just a motivational tool, that it actually has some power to control the universe, requires a belief in the supernatural. To believe that wanting, or wishing for, or concentrating on a goal will cause an increase in the chances of that goal occurring requires a belief in the supernatural. To believe that thought alone has the ability to change events requires a belief in psychic powers.
That’s exactly what psychic powers are: controlling events with thoughts. If you can actually control events with your mind, then the law of attraction will make you money, because James Randi will give you a million dollars.
- Anecdotal Evidence.
The fact that some people who have made lots of money claim to use the law of attraction doesn’t mean that the law of attraction has any effect. Can you say placebo effect?
Some people claim that keeping a rabbits foot brings them good luck. Some people think that breaking a mirror will bring bad luck. Nonsense. There’s no scientific evidence that good luck charms have anything more than a placebo effect. Likewise, there’s no evidence that the law of attraction is anything but a placebo.
There are plenty of people who are wealthy who don’t claim that the law of attraction made them their money. There are also lots of people who are not wealthy who blindly cling to the law of attraction in a desperate attempt to change things.
In the words of Steve Pavlina, “I often hear people complain that they’ve dutifully and correctly applied the Law of Attraction, but their intentions just aren’t manifesting.” Of course, it’s because they aren’t putting enough energy into it. Just like faith healers tell people it’s a lack of belief that stops them from walking.
- Unreliable Sources.
It seems that many of the people who claim to have made fortunes using the law of attractions are the very same people selling books and movies about the law of attraction. It seems to be a conflict of interest when the people telling you the law of attraction works are the same people selling the law of attraction.
The drug companies always think you need their latest pill, and every car maker will tell you that their models are the best in the business. They are, of course, biased. Without independent validation, these kinds of claims should be treated with serious skepticism. (Even with independent validation, a healthy dose of skepticism is always a good idea.)
- Blaming Victims.
Picture this: You’re driving along the road late at night, listening to the radio. You’re on your way home from dinner at a friend’s house. Your favorite song is on the radio, and you’ve got a smile on you face. Every so often, a car passes you heading the other direction. Suddenly some drunk asshole swerves over into your lane, plowing into your car head-on.
Now tell me, who do you blame for that accident? Is it your fault? Did you attract that accident? The Secret specifically says that people do attract the car accidents they are in.
I have nothing else to say about this.
- Quantum Physics.
The Secret makes mention of quantum physics, as did a commenter on the last post. Let’s be clear about this: quantum physics doesn’t affirm the law of attraction or any other claims about the supernatural.
Yes, quantum physics states that the act of observation can affect quantum particles. That does not mean that observation can control quantum particles. They still behave in a nondeterministic manner. i.e. They act randomly. Their behavior follows statistical rules, just like coin tosses.
If you can demonstrate that your thoughts can control the outcome of quantum-level events, I’m pretty sure you would win a Nobel prize. It would be, by far, the biggest discovery in quantum mechanics.
- The Cast.
Much of the cast was made of up people who’ve made their fortunes selling this “secret,” and few of them have any credentials that were impressive to anyone willing to do any critical thinking. Among the cast, we’ve got some philosophers, a feng shui consultant, a metaphysicist, and a visionary. Yes, a visionary.
Philosophers - Philosophy is a degree in sitting around, thinking deep thoughts. That’s fine, but it doesn’t qualify you to make outrageous claims about “the most powerful law in the universe.” I used to think logic was part of philosophy, but I guess not.
Feng shui consultant - What is it about charging obscene fees for arranging furniture that qualifies this person to give advice about wealth? The formula for wealth she used was:
- Make up claims of understanding old, hokey Chinese belief about Qi.
- Charge lots of money to move furniture around.
Metaphysicist - This is just another way of saying philosopher. Strangely enough, the philosophers and the metaphysicist seem to have written lots of books about wealth, and not so many about the nature of life, intelligence, the universe, or anything else that traditionally falls into the realm of philosophy.
Visionary - Seriously, his job title was listed as “Visionary.” This doesn’t even mean anything. It’s a self-appointed title that’s as meaningless as “guru,” and somehow even more self-indulgent.
If you want to buy into The Secret and the law of attraction, that’s your right. If you want to avoid critical thinking and hold onto ridiculous claims, you can. But the law of attraction is bunk, and you’re wasting your time and money.
The Secret was released almost a year ago, but has drawn considerable attention recently. It’s been featured on Oprah and the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It’s also been discussed by Steve Pavlina multiple times.
This “secret” has been kept from you your entire life. World leaders have suppressed it since the dawn of civilization. They have used it, even abused it, while the ignorant masses grind their way through their lives. And if you spend $29.95 on the DVD, the secret will change your life.
So, what’s the secret that’s been suppressed for ages and ages? The Law of Attraction, the idea that you will draw toward you the things that you think about most. Basically, if you concentrate on positives, you’ll attract good fortune, while if you concentrate on your Visa bill, your Mastercard bill will show up, too.
Never mind that The Secret claims it’s been known, used, and taught by everyone from Plato to Einstein. Never mind that it’s been in every new age self-improvement book ever written. And never mind that some of the people in the video have been hawking it to gullible schlubs since well before I was born. It’s a secret, and you need to watch this movie to find out about it.
The Problem with The Secret and the Law of Attraction
I’m all for giving people good advice. Unfortunately, The Secret isn’t giving good advice. The law of attraction isn’t really advice at all. It’s a get-rich-quick scheme, a 30-pounds-in-30-days diet. The law of attraction sells the idea that good thoughts, instead of hard work, will bring good things.
Easy sells. It’s sexy. Losing thirty pounds without dieting sounds great. Earning six figures part time sounds great. The idea that just thinking good thoughts could change your life sounds absolutely wonderful. Hard work doesn’t sound so great. In fact, it sounds kind of hard. However, hard work has the best chance of yielding the best results. Selling easy paths that don’t work distracts people from the real path that could actually help them.
Telling people that cutting out trans-fats will cause them to lose weight distracts them from the fact that eating less will cause them to lose weight. Telling people that they can earn six figures by flipping houses distracts them from the fact that good investments and budgeting will build wealth. Publishing a video claiming that good thoughts are the catalyst for improving one’s life distracts people from the fact that hard work is the only reliable catalyst for improvement.
The Truth in the Law of Attraction
I’m willing to grant that there’s a little bit of truth to the law of attraction. If you concentrate on improving your life, while your neighbor concentrates on how much his life sucks, you probably stand a better chance of improving than your neighbor, if only because you’re more likely to see the opportunities and take the risks that can help you out.
There’s no magic, though, and no law. It’s about you trying to better yourself. Big surprise. Trying to do something increases the chances of succeeding at doing something.
I’m sure that The Secret’s cast would use this to defend themselves, saying that it’s good thoughts and hard work that really accomplish improvements. Sleezy infomercials pitching ab exercisers do the same thing when they briefly mention “proper diet” when claiming weight loss. Real estate scams print “results not typical” in tiny letters when discussing all the millionare success stories. A scam is a scam, even if you aren’t technically lying. Ab infomercials aren’t selling proper diet, real estate flipping programs aren’t selling personal bankruptcy, and The Secret isn’t selling hard work.
The Lies in the Law of Attraction
Since concentrating on negative issues is a surefire way to attract more of them, according to The Secret, your best bet to get out of debt is to simply not worry about it. Imagine having more money, and keep spending the way you’ve been spending. Somehow by imagining you’ve got money, you eventually will. Budgets are for chumps! That money you want will show up eventually. Either that or the debt collectors. But don’t think about that. That would attract problems.
If the law of attraction really worked the way The Secret says it does, then your best bet for improving your financial fortune would be to buy lottery tickets and think really, really hard about winning. Let me know how that works out for you.
The Insanity of The Secret
The Secret says that the people who have debt, heath problems, etc. are attracting their problems. Likewise, people with wealth are attracting prosperity. As evidence for this, The Secret cites the fact that people with debt and health problems talk more about these things than people without them, while prosperous people talk more about their wealth. This clearly shows that thinking (and talking) about debt attracts more debt, while thinking about wealth attracts more wealth.
First off, most of the wealthy people I know don’t talk about their wealth much. Second, isn’t it possible that people get problems and then talk about them? Doesn’t that seem to fit Occam’s Razor pretty well? I don’t talk about my lung cancer very much, but if I actually had lung cancer, I might.
Joe Vitale, a “metaphysicist” who appears in The Secret, tells us that people who get into car accidents do so because they were thinking about them too much, that they attracted car accidents. In my experience, the people who get into the most car accidents are not thinking about the possibility of accidents, or anything else to do with driving.
What about the people who get struck by lightning? Are they the ones thinking about it the most? When I think about getting hit by lighting, I get off the damned golf course.
A Case Study
The Secret tells the story of a gay man who had a terrible job with coworkers who treated him like crap, who was constantly physically assaulted by gay-haters, and who was heckled by homophobes when he did stand-up. By concentrating on his problems, he was causing them to magnify. When he learned about the law of attraction, he changed what he was concentrating on. By just concentrating on the good life he wanted, the mean coworkers quit their jobs, the gay-haters stopped assaulting him, and suddenly he was a riot on-stage and the hecklers were gone.
Are we seriously supposed to believe that good thoughts made others quit their jobs? That good thoughts stopped constant physical attacks and turned audiences full of homophobic hecklers into gay-embracing, supportive audiences delivering standing ovations? Are you kidding me?
Burglary victoms, don’t invest in better locks and an alarm system. That’s just concentrating on the problem. What you should do is concentrate on what you want. You know, a house that hasn’t been broken into, and a stereo that hasn’t been stolen.
Rape victoms, it’s your fault. If you were thinking good thoughts, those rapists wouldn’t have attacked you and violated you in ways you never thought possible. Now, go clean up and think about something positive, because if you keep thinking about the rape, it’s going to happen again. Mr.Vitale says so.
Why Even Care About The Secret?
Why do I have such a problem with the secret? Because it’s taking advantage of gullible people. It’s a slick sales pitch targeting the unfortunate. Sadly, people like Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres are helping them, instead of promoting people who actually have useful advice.
Promoting a false hope, a lie, about what it takes to improve ones life simply exacerbates the problem. Every person who spends more time hoping for extra money spends less time actually budgeting. Encouraging people to hope and think about change, rather than working for change, digs them deeper into the holes they are in.
It’s the right of every slimy guru to sell artificial hopes and dreams to fools, just as it’s the right of gullible people to buy that snake oil. That doesn’t mean we should say its acceptable.
A Solution that Doesn’t Rely on Hope
The truth is that improving your situation is usually possible, but it’s usually not easy. If you want to get out of debt, you need to build a budget and plan. Thinking about more money isn’t going to help. Actually getting a second job to earn more money will help. Hard work will always triumph over good wishes.
You don’t have to work hard if you don’t want to. You can take the false hopes. You can think really hard about improving your situation, instead of actually trying, and working, to improve your situation. But while you’re feeling upbeat about how eventually all your “hard thoughts” are going to pay off, your neighbor is actually getting a second job. In a few years, he’ll have whittled his debt down, while you’ve continued to rack up more credit card bills. In the meantime, the makers of The Secret will have made a pretty penny off your indulgence and gullibility.
My “Scientific” Experiment
In the name of fairness, I’m going to try the law of attraction for myself. If it works, I’ll rewrite this post to say that the law of attraction is scientific fact, and I’ll buy copies of The Secret for all my friends and family. I’m going to think about something I really want, and I’ll really hope it materializes. I’m going to hope like I’ve never hoped before.
However, if my thoughts can really control reality, then everyone involved with The Secret, you’d better stay off the streets, because what I’m thinking about, what I’m really, really hoping for, is that each of you gets crushed by a runaway garbage truck.
(See also: The Top 6 Reasons Why the Law of Attraction (and “The Secret”) is Bunk)
Best Comment
Sosuke Says:
February 20th, 2007 at 3:43 pm“The Secret”, when combined with hard work and good exercise will make all your dreams come true!
*Hard work not typical of those who purchase “The Secret”
It sometimes seems that bathing has become a lost art among the technically-minded. That’s a real shame, because there’s no reason you can’t program hidden Markov models and also smell like a bed of roses. Here’s some basic advice to get you smelling fresh again.
The First Rule of Bathing
The first rule, and really the only rule, for good personal hygiene is to bathe regularly. Why, oh why, does this still have to be said? It’s been in every style or hygiene guide ever written, but it still gets violated like a drunken prom date.
Do You Smell?
I know you don’t think you smell, but seriously, some people do smell, and one of them might be you. Don’t dismiss the idea immediately. Most people who smell don’t realize it.
Has anyone ever described you as greasy or smelly? Has anyone ever told you they could smell your feet even though you still had your shoes on? Do people walk by you and then cough, as if their lungs have suddenly been violated by something vile? If you can answer yes to any of those, you might have the condition known as FPS (funky personal smell). It is an easily treatable condition. You simply need to shower once a day, twice a day for serious cases.
Bad jokes aside, if you aren’t taking at least one shower per day, you smell. I know you can’t smell it. I know you think you can get away with showering only once every couple or three days. You are wrong. If you aren’t taking a shower ever single day, then others can smell you, and they don’t like it. Maybe your sense of smell just isn’t as good. Maybe you’ve just gotten used to the smell over time so that you no longer notice. I don’t know, and I don’t care. Just take a shower already.
If you’re still unsure whether you smell, just ask. Seriously. Ask people if you smell. Ask people you trust. Ask strangers in the bar. Whatever. Most people won’t volunteer to inform you that you smell, but most people will be honest if you ask them outright. Do not, however, ask other smelly people. They might not be able to tell. Ask people who look well-groomed. They can probably tell whether you smell or not. If anyone tells you that you smell “okay”, it means you smell bad. If they say you smell “fine”, get them to clarify, or get another opinion. Fine is too ambiguous. They might mean you smell a little, but you aren’t quite gag-inducingly smelly.
How To Shower
Simply standing in the water is not good enough. Neither is simply washing yourself with your hands. That’s called masturbation, and that’s a different thing altogether. A proper shower should, at minimum, involve the use of shampoo, soap, and some sort of scrubbing device. The following are all acceptable scrubbing devices:
- Wash cloths
- Loofahs
- “Body poofs”
- Shower sponges
- Scrub brushes
- Automotive “bug” sponges
- 3M Dish scouring pads
Select at least one based on your personal shower needs.
Use the shampoo on your hair and the soap (and scrubbing device) on your face and body. Wet your hair, apply shampoo, and massage into scalp and all hair for at least 30 seconds, building a good lather. Rinse well. If your hair is really greasy, or you just enjoyed the experience (good!), feel free to repeat.
Now, wet the rest of your body, along with your scrubbing implement. Apply soap to your body and/or your selected scrubbing device. Scrub your entire body. Scrub your arms, legs, stomach, face, shoulders, back, chest, etc., not necessarily in that order. You need to wash your feet with soap, too. Just standing in the water is not good enough. Remember, we could smell them through your shoes. Spend extra time on your underarms. They’re a common culprit in personal funk.
Potential Points of Controversy
You should definitely wash your naughty bits. Just remember not to spend too long there. That’s masturbation again, and that’s just not the kind of site I run. If you have problems wanting to dally in the area, I’d suggest switching to a harsher scrubbing device, and the problem will probably resolve itself.
Shampoo is not optional, either. I don’t care if you think your hair only needs to be washed only every couple of days, and I don’t care that you’ve read that advice in magazines. Your hair is greasy if you aren’t washing it daily. If your hair feels too dry after you wash it, it’s probably because you’ve gotten used to the greasy feel. If that’s not the case, then you can add hair conditioner to your shower routine. Select a conditioner for “normal” or “dry” hair unless the person who cuts your hair specifically says otherwise. (You do get regular haircuts, don’t you? Damned hippies.) After washing and rinsing your hair, apply the conditioner, massage in, and rinse again. Leave-in conditioners are for expert users. Stick with the traditional kind.
After-bath Care
After the bath, you can pretty much do what you want. You should not, however, put on clothes that are not clean. Just like your skin, your clothes need to be washed every single day they are worn, or they will smell.
You should also use a deodorant/antiperspirant. There’s a huge assortment of these available. Pick one. Use it. Smell better.
Be careful with cologne. It can easily be a problem of its own. Read Cologne Tips for the Smelly Masses if you want to explore that possibility.
Advanced Bathers
If you have any kind of skin condition, your now-daily shower is a good time to use a special soap. For example, you might use Cetaphil for your face, and Neutrogena body wash for the rest of your skin. If you’ve got dandruff or dry scalp, there’s a whole world of companies out there willing to take your money in exchange for their “clean black shirt or your money back” shampoos. Try one or two of them and see if they help. Use whatever products work for you. Just make sure you wash daily, following the guidelines set out above.
A Word About Baths vs. Showers
Now that you’re a regular bather, you might be thinking it’s time to try forgoing a shower in favor of a real bath, i.e., sitting in a tub of hot water. Resist the temptation. Real baths can be relaxing and enjoyable (or stimulating and enjoyable, if you’ve got company). However, a bath will not clean you as well as a shower. The stagnant bathwater simply cannot compete with the flowing shower water in terms of funk-removal. Besides, to properly scrub your body, you’ll have to stand up anyway, and then you might as well be taking a shower. If you really want to take a bath, I recommend taking it in addition to your daily shower, not instead of.
Share the Cleanliness
Now, go share your newfound shower joy. No, I’m not saying you should invite someone into the shower with you (though that’s also an option). I’m saying that you should share this advice with your friends.
Share this with your smelly friends, your smelly coworkers. Share it with your fresh-smelling friends and coworkers, too. Email them the link, or tell them verbally. Spread the good word. Beware, though, that if you’ve ignored the advice above, they’ll probably send the link right back to you.
We’ve all got some smelly friends or coworkers (or at least smelly acquaintances). With our help and support, they can work to fix their smelliness. They too can trade in their gym sock funk for rose petal freshness.
